What does parenting mean?
What do you think of when you say “parent”?
Here are the Merriam-Webster definitions of the word parent:
Noun - the mother or father. One that begets or brings forth offspring. A person who brings up and cares for another.
Verb - to bring up. To be or act as the parent of a child.
How about “parenting"? In its simplest form, parenting is simply the raising of a child by its parents.
Before I had my children, I knew exactly how I wanted to parent. I had heard of helicopter moms and drill sergeants dads, and wanted nothing to do with either. I had heard the complaints about “the new parents” who never told their kids no, and how today’s generation of kids were spoiled and undisciplined. I knew I could do better than the generations before me (sorry mom!). And then I had kids, and everything I thought I knew about parenting was just more complicated. My ideas weren’t wrong, they were just too simple. Parenting is not black and white; there are very few rights and wrongs. With parenting, there are no rules that always work - and this lack of a rulebook is what makes parenting so hard.
What are Parenting Styles?
Parenting styles are a psychological construct that represent strategies and techniques parents use to raise their children. Theories of child rearing started as early as the 17th century with books by John Locke (Some Thoughts Concerning Education) and Jean Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. Next came Erik Erikson’s proposed eight life stages, and to this day, research child development and parenting continues. One of the most referenced parenting classification systems was created in the 1960s by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind. She did research focused on classifying parenting styles at UC Berkley. She noticed that preschoolers demonstrated specific types of behaviors, and those behaviors were highly correlated with parenting style. Maccoby and Martin expanded her categories slightly in 1983, and we now have four frequently referenced parenting styles:
Authoritative - Demanding and Responsive Parenting
Authoritarian (Totalitarian)- Demanding and Unresponsive Parenting
Permissive (Indulgent) - Not Demanding but Responsive Parenting
Neglectful - Not Demanding and Unresponsive Parenting
Since Baumrind created her classifications of parenting, additional parenting styles have been described; these include, but are not limited to, attachment parenting, child-centered parenting, positive parenting, and overparenting. (I will be writing more about parenting styles in depth in a later blog post). However, over the last 25 years, considerable research has shown that Baumrind’s classification of authoritative parenting is the most effective style of parenting. But so much depends on the individual parent, the individual child, social norms and societal pressures that is it impossible to pick a “one strategy fits all” approach to parenting. And while it is nice to know about parenting styles, they don’t actually define parenting. The definition and meaning of parenting continues to change with time as social norms, societal expectations, resources and technology evolve.
In 2016, developmental psychologist and philosopher Alison Gopnik published The Gardener and the Carpenter. In her book, she lays out a “manifesto against parenting” - arguing that our current concept of parenting distorts the meaning of caring for a child. In the United States, parenting is increasingly oriented towards the goal of somehow turning your child into a better, happier or more successful adult than they otherwise would be. She says, “To be a parent is to be part of a profound and unique human relationship, to engage in a particular kind of love, not to make a certain sort of thing.” As parents, we should not strive to carve our children into something we want them to be (like a Carpenter). Rather, parents should function as a gardener, creating a lovely space that is safe and well nourished. This loving space allows children to grow and thrive, sometimes in unexpected ways. According to Gopnik’s analysis, children need the opportunity to experiment and to learn how to learn themselves.
My first time kissing my first baby - 2013.
So where does all of this leave us?
I view parenting as a privilege. Parenting is willingly and whole heartedly entering into a lifelong relationship with your child, where the goal isn’t to turn them into who you think they can be. Parenting is providing safety, resources and guidance while allowing time and natural curiosity to create opportunities which allow our children to thrive and learn who they are. And who they want to be. Parenting also provides a window into ourselves — a way to re-examine who we are and who we want to be. A chance to re-evaluate our values and beliefs in order to share those with our children. Parenting is an adventure, where everyday brings new challenges and victories, and a sense of pride and profound joy I never knew existed until I had kids.
2016 -
Twins! Now I have three kids under three!
References:
Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. By Baumrind, D., 1967
Socialization in the context of the family: Parent–child interaction. By Maccoby, EE and Martin, JA., 1983
The Gardener and The Carpenter. By Alison Gopnik. October 2016.