Episode 15: The NICU is a Journey in the Experience of the Juxtaposition of Emotions. Leo's story.
Kaitlin joins the Mighty Littles podcast to talk about her experience in the NICU with her son Leo. The beginning of the pregnancy was uncomplicated and easy. But at 19-20 weeks, she started having complications: a significant bleeding episode followed by a recurrent bleed, then back and abdominal pain, and eventually premature rupture of membranes and preterm labor. Leo was born weighing 3 pounds, 1 oz at 29 weeks by urgent C-section after he kicked his foot through mom’s cervix.
I am finding a theme in my interviews with moms - that at some point in the pregnancy, something happens with their care that they in hindsight wish they had done more at the time to speak up and ask more questions. We need to empower pregnant women to speak up and ask questions so that they don’t have regret or “shoulda woulda coulda” moments.
Leo’s delivery
29 weeks, 3 pounds 1 oz at birth. Stayed in the NICU for 50 days.
When Leo was born the neonatologist announced “He’s Big!” The team was able to get Leo intubated and mom was able to hold her baby before he was taken to the NICU. That minute of holding - a moment of relief - that moment of normalcy - means everything. When you envision what the birth of your child looks like, holding is such a huge part of that birth experience. The NICU is an experience of the juxtaposition of emotions - joy and grief, regret and gratitude - feeling both at the same time is normal. You need to grieve what you wanted in order to appreciate the moments you get.
Kaitlin remained in the hospital for five days, going back and forth between her room and Leo’s NICU room. After those first several days in the NICU, Leo graduated to the graduate NICU - and much of that portion of their NICU stay was a little bit of a blur. Building a routine around caring for your baby, and even bringing in items from home to make the NICU room feel a little more like a nursery.
A few of the many quotes I love from this podcast:
The day I went home, I wasn’t prepared for how empty I would feel not pregnant and not with my baby. That night was the hardest night that I had.
Just because you are grieving what you wanted, doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for what you have.
There is no right way to react to having a baby in the NICU.
The NICU is an experience in the juxtaposition of emotions.
As time has passed, instead of thinking things went wrong and my body failed, MAYBE, I’m living the best-case scenario of an alternative outcome that would have been devastating - and that would have been losing our baby at 20 weeks. In that world, the NICU would have been my dream scenario.
I didn’t feel strong when I was going through the NICU. But I was strong. And if I could tell preemie moms anything, it would be that they are strong. And their baby is strong.
You are not alone.